n i c o c . o

* n i c o c . o: January 2015

Wednesday, January 28, 2015


As I sit here at a desk by myself looking out at the sun that has finally shown itself after a week's time, I think I know where hope comes from. For me, my hope is in the sun. 

It's the reassurance that life isn't so bad after all. A reminder that even in the most difficult times in life, we can always count on the sun rising the next day. It's a joy that we take for granted when we're used to the sun being there all the time. It's a great feeling to know that each day we can begin again and live differently from the day before. The sun gives us another chance. 

There is simple pleasure in laying in the cool grass during summer under the sun's rays.  It can make even the most depressed people happy, even if only for a moment. The warmth is like a soft blanket, enveloping you with the feelings of an embrace.

Sometimes it's lonely being outside on a sunny day with no clouds in the sky. But I've come to realize that one is never alone when the plants are alive around one. The sun gives life. 

At this moment I feel silenced and troubled. But when I look up into the sky and I see the sun smiling down on me, I feel that maybe I can focus on what's good in my life.

I believe I am a true Heliophile. 

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Monday, January 26, 2015

Making Drinks Healthier

Especially in America, the only drink that is truly healthy is water. There are so many drinks on the market that are full of sugar and sodium. When I learned the truth about many of our drinks, I felt like I could only drink filtered water. 

1.) Orange juice has almost no nutritional value due to the pasteurizing process. They add "natural flavors" and sugar in it as well. 

2.) Alcohol is unhealthy in general. 

3.) Drinking coffee the normal way with dust and cream is a great way to absorb sugar and fat fast. 

4.) Most tea is ridden with pesticides. And a lot of people add sugar and cream. The packaged ones come with the sugar already added. 

Seriously, even OJ? I thought that stuff was healthy. And there have been countless debates about alcohol and coffee being healthy or unhealthy. 

But I think I figured it out. You just have to I train yourself from having these drinks sweetened. 

I started with coffee. It takes about a week to get used to the real taste of coffee without sugar and milk. At first, it tastes bitter and makes you scrunch your face. How could something like this be good by itself?! But as the days go on, the bitterness becomes aromatic and rich flavor. You feel like you are tasting coffee for the first time. The real taste of coffee.  There are sour coffees, bold and rich, creamy, and light and bright coffees. The only downsides to becoming a black coffee drinker are 1.) you will never be able to drink coffee with milk and sugar without feeling like it's too sweet and 2.) you will be able to tell the quality of the coffee, so you most likely won't settle for cheap brands. 

Then I changed the way I drank juice: I bought a juicer. Let me tell you, it's completely different than drinking juice from the bottles and cartons. Fruits taste totally different when they're juiced fresh. I believe it's because there aren't any extras added into the juice. And it's great to mix fruit juice with vegetable juice fresh. You might think you won't like vegetable juice, but it tastes super refreshing when juices fresh and it's great to mix with fruit juice. One of the best combos is pineapple, kale, cucumber, mint and green apple. 

Tea was never much of a problem for me. I love drinking tea and usually without sugar and milk. My biggest change was the quality of the tea. I changed to all organic when possible since pesticides are very high in tea. It's good to do this because you will absorb them easier through liquid. 

Right now I'm currently working on alcohol. I break out from everything that's not wine. It's most likely due to the sugar content. So I started drinking nothing but wine. I did research on how to drink wine for health, and it seems that dry red wine is the way to go. So I'm saying goodbye to my sweet wines. 

I'm sure it will work out for the better. It's all about cutting out the extra sugars!

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Sunday, January 25, 2015

Don't Judge Me

I thought about writing about coffee and wine. Maybe the next post. Today I want to talk again about upkeep and vanity, so bear with me. 

I think a woman should always maintain her best appearance. Even if she has children. Some things must be sacrificed to take care of yourself. You should never ever let life become your excuse for letting yourself go. I used to be sympathetic about this but I've changed my mind. 

Hair should be long. Don't buy into those pixie cut trends. In general, I've begun to realize there is a huge difference between what men want women to look like and what women think they should look like. 

And don't be one of those girls who doesn't pick up on this. 

Here's an example of the difference:

What girls like to dress like....

Baggy things, floral things, super curly hair, bangs, cute hair styles. I love it so much. Notice there is not much attention drawn to her breasts. 

But here's the type of girl the majority of men look at:

Classy, chic, no bangs, emphasis on her assets. Revealing but not so much that it's showing everything or being gross. 

This is just one example. Of course there are also guys who like the first style but seriously it's rare compared to guys who like the second style. 

Women should understand they should dress up where ever they go. Many women in other countries than the U.S.would  agree with me on this. Russian girls, Korean girls, and girls from many other countries share this perspective because they are smart about knowing what guys want. 

As you get older they still want you to be confident and beautiful. So for that reason, I see no reason why fillers or even plastic surgery is an issue. The girls they drool over usually have these procedures. Yes, I understand there is a difference, but seriously: if the man didn't know about it he would not complain that she looks too young for her age. 

Maybe I'll come off as vain or a bimbo, but whatever.  It's a competitive world and just because you're in a long term relationship will not secure that person to you if they begin to find you unattractive. So you must find out what their tastes are, adapt it to yourself and keep up with it as much as possible. It might be a lot of work, but it's worth it, and honestly, this is the fun part about being a woman. 

We're all bitches to each other about these things, yes. But that's no reason to not dress up and take care of yourself. 

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Saturday, January 24, 2015

I'll Write Soon

I hate it when I don't have writers block but it's just that I can't write. 

I'll go back to writing everyday after this. 

Wednesday, January 21, 2015


Somehow someday
I’ll move on if it kills me
When the wold stops turning and we dance on the moon

Somehow someday
I’ll be fine I’ll be okay
When the stars stop burning and the sand turns blue

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The World's Gift to the Hopeless

When you're alone and you feel like nobody will understand, there is music. Music is the ghosts left behind of those who have felt the feelings you're feeling right now. It's the expression that can't come through in a conversation with someone you're close with. Music is the guide and caretaker of the broken souls. 

You're not alone; someone has felt it too. It's in the music. 

You just have to stop and listen. 

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Monday, January 19, 2015

Unexpected Day Off

Usually I'd be happy about having a day off. But since I only knew a day before, I feel a bit unproductive and lost. It's days like this where most people would end up staying in bed all day, only getting up periodically to eat and use the toilet. But I can't really be happy with that nowadays. I like the fleeting moments in between doing things, and I can't have those moments if I'm laying there doing nothing. 

I think there's a time for laying around and pondering the life you were given. But today is not one of those days. Today is a day when it's dangerous to think too much. Because that would be a waste of a holiday, no?

Yes, it's Martin Luther King Jr. Day. And yes, I'm a mixed race person. But I don't feel so connected to the holiday, and I've never had this day off in the past, so I'm not up for any serious thinking today. 

Update to my dermatophagia ... 

I'm doing much better. The redness of my thumb will probably remain for a few weeks, but I haven't bitten a lot lately so maybe this time it will actually heal. 

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Friday, January 16, 2015


You realize that you're in your mid-twenties and you begin to think about how you're a quarter the way to a hundred years (and not many people live to that age!). Suddenly, you're unsure if you're doing well in your life. Yes, you've got a stable job (not in your college major, of course) paying about the middle class income. Yes, you have a car and student loans to still pay off. Perhaps you even have a long term relationship with someone. 

But there's that internal conflict of the college days and being a "kid" and the reality that you've got bills to pay and being an adult is expensive. You don't want to think about what you're going to do when you retire. Hell, you don't even want to worry about what your parents are going to do when they retire. Some days all you want to do is live a simple life. You want to just be yourself and not have to worry about all of these problems which come with "adulthood."

And the pressure is real. You're stuck between the age of the digital world and the age where it was a miracle to have an Internet connection (especially when your mom needed to use the phone). You can't completely relate with the kids who are currently in highschool and starting college who grew up in the world where information and lives where so easily shared. At the same time, it seems unnatural to not be doing it, because it's just how you grew up in your late teens into your early twenties. 

But it's almost like you have no privacy. Everyone wants to know what you're up to these days. They want updates on your career or your relationship status. Older people tell you you're young and you have freedom, yet you look at the kids in their late teens/early twenties and they seem to be more of the definition of freedom to you. The part that makes you hate it is the fact that most of the people who ask you these questions repeatedly probably don't really give a shit; they most likely just want to judge you, even if not intentionally. 

But through it all, you're still planning big for the future because you still have that naïve yet ambitious kid inside you that protects the dreams that you still want to see happen. 

And maybe that's all that matters, because if there's one thing you've learned by now, it's that nobody but you can make changes in your life. If you want something, you've got to make the change, no matter the consequences. 

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Thursday, January 15, 2015

Weird Cat

It's frustrating to have writers block. Especially when you want to write but when you go to write nothing flows out naturally. 

A photoshoot is much overdue here too. My photographer was doing some test shots for this weekend because we'll be experimenting with lighting. 

Of course, I'll be wearing a dress and I won't look angry. We're also going to try using a different camera so hopefully the shoot will turn out. 

While we were doing the test shots, Nami was being extremely weird. 

And I'll just leave it at that. Enough with my writers block writing. Sigh. 

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Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Heartbeat Loud

You know those songs that just captivate you at first listen and even years later you can listen to it and smile remembering the first day you listened?

I've found one of those songs. "Heartbeat Loud" by Andy C. And Fiora.

I cannot stop listening to it. I feel so alive when I hear the best of the song, it's almost like a heartbeat itself. I did not know who Andy C was before, but I knew Fiora from Armin's song "Waiting for the Night." When I checked Fiora's sound cloud today, I saw she had a drum and bass song and I got excited. Of course it was just as good as I had expected!

Let's just say it made my day. And that says a lot considering the season. 

This is true!

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Monday, January 12, 2015

Being Kind

It's hard to remember that everyone you meet is going through something. Sometimes you might think the grumpy cashier at the store is just a bitch, but in reality she's having a terrible day. Even with our friends and family, we have to keep in mind that we don't always know the whole story.

It's easy to think it's your fault or their fault for the awkward/rude/aloof encounter, but it could easily be something running throught their minds as they are here with you in the present.

That's why, as hard as it is, even as I write this, it's best to stay kind to everyone.or at least attempt to be kind. We all have those days.... Like me the other day....

And when it's happening to you, be mindful that it's just a period of time that will pass. It will get better.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Leaving for the Sunshine

Today he leaves again. My younger brother flies back to Texas and we won't see him until almost six months later.

I hate winter. I always say that. But even though it was freezing this holiday season, we managed to get things done.

The next time I see him, he might be a changed person. I'm sure I will be as well. I guess this is part of growing up: getting used to people who are close to you leaving and changing with time. But of course, the bonds you build when you're siblings are hard to break, so we'll always have a mutual understanding about each other.

Someday my sister will move out from my parents' house too. And sometime within the next two years, we'll be out of here too. But hopefully my parents will move west with us. 

I just don't want to be a bitter central PA woman. 

Everytime my brother leaves, I wish he would take me with him. Because I know he's getting on that plane to Dallas, where the sun actually shines. 

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Thursday, January 8, 2015

Wake Up Call

So yesterday I took a picture with a dummy at the gym.

And when I looked at it was like.... "Dafaq ? Who is this girl?"

I thought I still looked like this:

But apparently not. 

And so I tried on some dresses I bought in Thailand when I was 20 years old. Could barely get into them. Of course they're like a size zero and I think I'm a size four right now. 

I noticed a few things: 1.) I gained fat and lost all on toned limbs and 2.) I also gained weight in good places. 

So now the issue is... How do I lose fat without losing it from the good parts?! I wish I could just pick, because then I could melt my arm, thigh and stomach fat and keep my bewbs and bottom. Too bad it doesn't work that way!

My main motivation for this is a new blog post. I want to have one wearing the black dress from Thailand. I might just do it while I'm chubby but I wonder how I will wear it? More importantly, can I wear it with confidence?

That picture is from 2011. Let's just say I've filled it out more since then.

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Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Insula: The Drop (Official Music Video)

Well, it's finally out! Our band, Insula, has finally, after three years of experimenting, released the first song. 

Screaming: Ice
Vocals: Nicoco
Guitar: Issei
Guitar: Jorge 
Bass guitar: Alex 
Drums: Kozan
Camera: Abby 
Production and Copyright: Issei


To read more about the making of this song read my previous post:


And for the lyrics:


Please like and share our video on YT. It would be highly appreciated!

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Saturday, January 3, 2015


Words were not always meant to be spoken. She understood that, and she only spoke in public when it was needed. And that was not as often as one might think it would be. Because of this, the five year old girl would be tormented on the bus rides to school, where the other kids would poke her and ask her why she never talked. 

"Are you shy? Why are you embarrassed to talk?"

She looked up at the smirking blonde pigtailed girl with a straight face and responded: "I don't talk when there is nothing to say."

 And with that, she turned back to face the front and looked out the window, wishing the other kids would just leave her in peace.

When she was in first grade, she couldn't talk to anyone but her best friend, Claire. When she wanted to say something, she told Claire and Claire would tell the other kids. Now after being singled out as the shy girl, she started to believe there was something wrong with her. And because of that, she'd rather Claire tell others, not her.

Fast forward to fourth grade. She was in a special school for privileged children who were schooled outside in the woods of Colorado. She made all of her grades and it was also there where she discovered her love for writing. But the teachers were concerned because she would spend every single recess alone, playing by herself with a hula hoop. When her parents asked why she hadn't made any friends, she simply shrugged and said she didn't want any. She was too obsessed with the stories that were playing in her mind. It was much more interesting than playing dogs and cats with her classmates.

When the family moved to a new place and she started a new school for middle school, her teachers were so concerned about her quietness that they held a parent teacher conference and recommended she see a psychologist. So her parents took her to the psychologist. She felt uncomfortable hearing someone in the next room crying loudly. When the psychologist asked her about her life she answered truthfully and the result was that she was just a "reserved quiet kid, but no mental issues."

It was at that point that she realized in order to be socially acceptable, she needed to be more outgoing. She began her journey of bottling up her quietness and putting on the mask of a "normal" person. 

In highschool she made many friends and began to realize the joys of socializing and friendship. Even within her group of friends, some tendencies remained: she would feel like part of the conversation even when just listening, she couldn't be out with others too long before feeling the strong need to be alone. There was a gym class when the students were cheering on their gym partners while they were running the mile run, and she realized it was almost physically impossible for her to yell and cheer her friend in front of so many classmates. But in the over all, she was improving. Especially when she began her part time work, where she was forced into social situations everyday.

There was a particular English class she had issues with in highschool. The teacher would make them participate in round table discussions, and if you hadn't spoken during the 1 hour discussion, you would lose points in your grade point for that class. It was a vital part of her grade, but she would stress so much over when to jump in, what to say and how to say it, that most of the time she never had a chance to even get more than a sentence in. 

Applying for colleges was painful in that they wanted students who had been in many extra curricular activities during highschool, and she did not have many of those under her belt. She was not "well-rounded" by their standards. And it did effect some of the aid she got for college. 

College brought out the adult ability to completely hide her introvertedness. She learned to channel all of her stories in her head into writing to release the tension.  And it carried on into her early adult life. She was never too excited about things for too long nor was she a social butterfly, but she created and maintained relationships. 

Even now, she still has resting bitch face and feels uncomfortable saying hello to coworkers in the hallway in passing, but she's managed to somewhat conform to the social norm. And she's ok with that. Because even if it's awkward, she does need it to live in this society. But she also knows now that there is nothing wrong with wanting to have silence. 

There's nothing wrong with being quiet, listening and reflecting. There's nothing wrong with seeking knowledge for the purpose of knowing rather than acting. There is nothing wrong with the silence. 

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The Girl Who Is Happy

I love it when a person has the ability to influence me just by pictures of their life. I think that's why I love blogging and reading blogs. Influence by words and pictures, it makes my mind wander, and I love it. 

There is a certain girl on IG, and I'm not sure if she blogs with words, but she photo logs, and she's inspired me to change. Her name is Pimtha, and she's Thai. 

If you've read any of my other posts or if you know me at all, you would know that 1.) I hate cold and winter and 2.) I tend to get lost in my negative emotions a lot. But this girl! She embraces the cold and seems to seek out cold places in the world. I love her fashion and her attitude.

You can just see it in her photo diary: she's joyful and she makes the most of everything.

She travels all around Asia, posting her journey. Her boyfriend takes most of her pictures. Both of them are photographers. And I'm envious of their relationship!

They cherish each other and they travel the world together. Both of their IG accounts are filled with their journeys... And it's only the two of them. Because they need nobody else but each other. World travelers on the same journey. 

Pimtha made me rethink fashion and how I want this year to go. I need to be more positive. Smile and laugh more often. And I think I'm going to be growing out my bangs. It'll be hard, but I think I'm going to do it.

And hopefully I can someday influence someone in the way that she has influenced me. 

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Friday, January 2, 2015

Stable Mind

It's hard to write when I'm not emotional. It's sad, but it's true. Right now I'm feeling quite stable because my mind is stable. And I'm pretty sure it's because I've reintroduced meditation into my daily routine.

When your mind is flying in a million different directions, the words come out so naturally. But in terms of mental health, it's terrible. Paranoia, depression and mood swings start to creep into your daily life. It's the things we like to read or watch but never live.

I started regularly meditating daily about two weeks ago. It's hard to concentrate at first and for days you will think it is pointless to even try. It might sound easy to sit still and focus, but after about 30 seconds your brain will start driving on the highway of all of your problems, memories, that itch you can't scratch or the building saliva that you are trying not to swallow.

I kept telling myself I won't see the change right away. It's true. You only start to notice it when you suddenly realize you aren't worrying or thinking about something unnecessary. 

Each day, I wake up and meditate right after I pray. I have a yoga mat at the foot of my bed. My morning meditation usually lasts about five minutes. At night before I sleep, I pray and then meditate again, this time for about seven minutes.

Don't feel defeated if you spend your entire meditation just bringing your thoughts back to your breathing; this is how you will train your brain to always focus on the present when you are out living life.


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Thursday, January 1, 2015

Blogger App Deleting Problem

So I wrote this super long post about my fragrance Flowerbomb by Viktor and Rolf, but apparently the Blogger App deleted it before I could publish it so... Yeah I'm not going to re-write it.