n i c o c . o

* n i c o c . o: December 2014

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

I Cannot Belong to the Night

Our band, Insula, is releasing our first official song soon. The title is The Drop, and I actually posted lyrics that we wrote a few days ago. It's basic meaning is how life feels more real during the night hours, so it's somewhat of an insomniac's melody, but this is what the song means to me personally.

Maybe you've experienced this: During the day, you put on a show, you try your best to not take things too seriously and fit in with society. But for some reason, when night hits, you suddenly are able to feel more emotion and you think more seriously about your life.

It's almost like a curse: during the day is when life is meant to be lived, but the creative juices flow more steadily and the mind's ability to organize is higher during the night. I can analyze my day better in the night when I'm thinking straight and with my true feelings. It's almost as if I'm free in the night, free from masks, free from putting on a mask to fit in, and free to be myself.

But I can never be the same in the day. When the sunlight finds me, I cannot always bring the same ideas and feelings back with me. And to be honest, that's why most of my blog posts are written at night. It's when I'm truest to myself.

It's what we call "the drop."

When the light fades and suddenly the dream-like day becomes real and you can realize you are existing here at this moment. It's truly the insomniac's saddest blessing.

Because you have to face the truth that you can never truly belong to the night; humans are meant to live during the day.

But you can never really live in reality during the day.

And you begin to wonder if it's because you're unsatisfied with life... Or if you're stuck in your mind... Or maybe just off in your clock.

................ 



We are filing a music video to go with the song, but it's zero degrees Celsius outside everyday. Today we filmed one scene on the top of a hill and I seriously thought we were going to get frostbite.

Saturday is going to be interesting.

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Saturday, December 27, 2014

Because Pain is Stronger Than Desire

They always tell you to visualize the things you want to receive them. They always tell you to be positive and not to draw the negativity into your life. But I think it works better when you twist that the other way around.

Think about what you fear and do not want to happen. Come up with the solution for avoiding the pain, and focus all of your energy on it!

This year for New Years, I'm going to write resolutions. But I'm going to write them in such a way as I explained above. 

1.) I do not want the feng shui in the house to draw in negativity, so I will continue to improve the house by cleaning regularly and rearranging the furniture.

2.) I do not want ugly fingers, so I will stop biting the skin around my finger nails.

3.) I do not want any medical problems, so I will take as much advantage as I can of the new f***ing HSA I now have. Damn Obamacare and the fact that I can't write about this here!

4.) I do not want to be unrecognized as a writer, so I will continue to blog everyday.

5.) I do not want to go over my chubby level, so I will eat healthy and exercise,as well as continue to juice regularly. 

6.) I do not want an unorganized year, so I will actually sit down and plan with my husband what we are going to do. As well as the year, we can plan out everyday so we won't waste our daylight.

7.) I do not want to be stuck in the past, so I will go out of my way to make my life interesting and create events to look forward to, as well as keep myself busy enough so I don't have time to dwell on the past.

8.) I do not want an unstable, emotional mind, so I will meditate and pray every morning and night, right when I wake up and before I go to bed.

9.) I do not want a mundane life with no vacations, so I will plan out a good vacation this year and take real steps to make it happen.

10.) I do not want to grow apart from my husband, so I will make sure there are allotted times for us to focus on each other, especially since this is going to  be a difficult and busy year.

This way, I can come back to this list and remind myself that I am bigger than my fears, and this is a challenge that I will take on and win.


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Friday, December 26, 2014

ASMR: My Personal Happy High

When I was a young child, I used to love the boring instructional videos they would sometimes play in school. I distinctly remember in fourth grade, we had to watch an instructional video about how to properly use a compass. Everyone was scowling and eventually talking during the video. But it was like I was in a trance. I was captivated by the man's voice in the video. I felt calm and content.

This continued to happen throughout my life, and my brother and sister were the only ones who seemed to understand what I meant. When YouTube first became popular, I would look for haul videos without background music because I would experience the same feeling as the instructional video. 

I also experienced it in real life. When my aunt did my make up, I felt it. When the school counselor talked to me about my future plans, I barely paid attention to what she was actually saying because I was so chilled out by her voice.

When I hit my twenties, I finally found out that 1.) I was not the only one who experienced this feeling, 2.) there was an actual term for the feeling, and 3.) There were people on YouTube who had created a community for this purpose. The feeling is called Autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR). Here is the Wikipedia definition:

Autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR) is a neologism for a perceptual phenomenon characterized as a distinct, pleasurable tingling sensation in the head, scalp, back, or peripheral regions of the body in response to visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory, or cognitive stimuli. The nature and classification of the ASMR phenomenon is controversial, with strong anecdotal evidence to support the phenomenon but little or no scientific explanation or verified data.

Only certain people will experience ASMR. For those who do not experience it, the ASMR videos on YouTube seem creepy and strange. Specific triggers are usually things like voices with accents, whispering, softly spoken voice, tapping, paper wrapping crinkles, water sounds, writing or typing sounds, kissing sounds, sksk sounds, hairbrushing and many others. Personally, I never experience ASMR from tapping or sksk noises, but I guess some people do?

Whenever I'm stressed or cannot sleep, these videos help greatly. I love many ASMR artists, but the one who always seems to make me sleep well is Springbok ASMR. Look her up on YT if you like ASMR. I especially liked her hotel check in video!

If you want to know if you experience ASMR, look it up and listen with good headphones. If it just creeps you out, you probably do not have it. If you feel like you're pleasantly calm, then chances are you have the ability to experience ASMR.



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Thursday, December 25, 2014

Dear Future Child



So I'm just going to say it: I'm probably not the best mom. I'm probably lazy and messy and maybe even sometimes a selfish mom. I apologize in advance!

But I wanted to tell you a story about mommy and daddy. Today is our third year wedding anniversary. Probably it will be quite some time until you read this, so just try to think of us as still young, okay? I wanted to tell you about how we met and how we survived up until today.

I was a naive girl in college. I actually went to a community college because of my indecisiveness and lack of organization skills. It turned out okay though because it saved me a lot of money to stay at the community college. And it's where I met your father.

I remember the day we met. I was with a mutual friend and we were walking up the stairs to the school library. As we opened the upstairs door, a young man with jet black hair and a geeky appearance laughed in surprise and said hello to our mutual friend. We were introduced and we eventually became friends. Your dad said he thought I was an emo girl at the time because I used to wear tons of black clothing. I thought he was an otaku or something. We actually admitted to each other later that neither of us were attracted at first meeting. Child, I just want you to know there is no such thing as live at first sight. There might be lust at first sight, but never love.

Fast forward about five months later, and I was going through a tough time in my life. He was the one who was there for me. We got closer to each other, and suddenly I was over at his house everyday. We began casually dating. As you know, he was a citizen of Thailand at the time, and during that time he had been going through financial troubles and his time was up in the US by August. We had three months, and even though we had said we were dating just for casual, it eventually became serious.

He went back to Thailand. It was such a confusing time, but somehow we stayed together. He told me over the crackling phone service that there must be a way we could marry. Of course everyone thought I was insane. They thought I was even more insane when I went to Thailand for three months during college to live with him.

Yes, we got married young. Fifteen months later, he was finally back in the US and we were married at age 20 and 21. Today I am 23, and I can proudly say that we are still happily married. We aren't exactly where we want to be in life, but we are well on our way.

Child, I do not recommend getting married at a young age. But I say that if you know it is the time, don't be too worried about your age. This overrules the age. It is true that being young and married is much more difficult than what I had originally thought it would be, but I know that it was the right time. 

It was hard the first years of marriage. We had no idea what we were doing. We still don't, but we at least know what not to do. Being young is hard because....we pretend we're adults, but really, we are still children ourselves. You might think when you're a teenager that you'll be ready to settle down when you're my age, but you'll understand what I mean when you get to my age when I say.... I'm still a kid!

Despite the hard times, I never regret it. I love him and I would give anything to keep our marriage a happy one. 

Difficult times are ahead. Someday when you read this, I just know that we will have stories to tell you about this coming year. 

I love you... And I love your father.


Happy 3rd anniversary ~

Merry Christmas

Hope everyone had a great holiday! Blessings!








Relaxing with family is always the best.

We have an exhausting start to the new year coming up, so I'll take what time I can get!

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The Drop



I can't go back anymore No longer staring at the skies Left without a trace of emotion Fade to a reverie FREE FALLING INTO THE NIGHT Into the night... BUT WHEN I'M fALLING i FEEL ALIVE I feel alive BOTH EYES OPEN Cannot breathe; I'm drowning in this air. IS THIS REALITY? keep me awake in this dream LIGHT POURS IN STREAMS OF GREY unfolding life without a thought How has it come to this? Fighting inside to find what really matters Can you hear the desparate cries in my mind? Enveloped in silence, numb to the wind on my face Bright Lights trace a darker sky~ Night's song takes over me Flooding shadows with pools of color~ Feels like I've been here before And I remember I am here~ My numbness captures me Reach out of this abyss Am I? Am I awake or am I dreaming? ~Pieces of my memory fade into these dark streets ~Shadows approaching me as far as my eyes can reach Don't fear the drop Time is my enemy until the light fades Dreaming of Untold Memories That I have never seen before How has it come to this? Fighting inside to find what really matters Can you hear the desparate cries in my mind? Enveloped in silence, numb to the wind on my face W: All I hear is white noise, but all I see is black. Shapes and colors fall, fading in my sight Blinds me as I try to stand Echoes of the past calling out to me Take away my breath, my infinity All I hear is white, all I see is black Waves of solitude wash over me Everything dissolves in the light of dawn And I cannot belong to the night Water trickling down my face Ocean clear and vacant Not sure if my mind is taken to paradise Maybe I'm just dreaming of when I can fly away

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Sunday, December 21, 2014

New Songs

Since my brother is back for winter break, Insula is back together trying to create music as fast as possible. We have until January tenth, and he goes back to Texas. And sadly, he probably won't be coming back here next summer. So this may be the last time in a long time we are all together. When I think about that, it makes me regretful that I didn't record more music when he was here. He's a music producer: he does all of the instruments and mixing and tuning of the songs.

When I was younger, I went to Thailand and I seriously considered not coming back. Now I can't fathom not being with my family. I know eventually children are to move away from their parents and siblings, but it's so bittersweet. It's almost like.... Let me be a child just one more time. Let me play in the backyard during summer with my brother and sister just one more time. Let me take back all of those times when I was a teenager and I turned down my younger siblings to be alone and listen to music, or to do something else I could have put off. Let me redo my teen years when I wanted so much to be grown up so that I will have time again to enjoy life with my family without any responsibilities.

But not to stray from my original topic; we just finished one cover. We did "My Curse" by Killswitch Engage. I did the clean vocals and Ice did the screaming. Some parts were difficult, but honestly I love doing it and hearing the end result.


My brother got a new seven strong guitar for the song he wrote. He'll start recording this week and the song should hopefully be done by Sunday. Then we will move on to "Twilight" by Fear, and Loathing in Las Vegas. The most difficult thing is going to be time... We all have work and we are going to try to do a video for each song as well.

I have faith that we can finish them all only because of last summer. We finished three songs in one week. It was absolutely ridiculous! But it was worth it!


That was when we were filming for "Bios."

Crazy red hair back then.

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Saturday, December 20, 2014

Body Image #2

I named it #2 because I'm pretty sure recently talked about something similar.

After seeing this I decided I am pretty happy with my body, and decided I just need to tone:


It's taken from a Japanese website, showing fat percentage. I think if I got any skinnier than 20% I would have no chest. And so I then decided that is rather keep my body as it is and just focus on toning. Because unless I get plastic surgery, there's no way I'll be at 10% and have an actual chest. It just doesn't usually work that way.



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I Remember

I remember. It was by Kaskade and Deadmau5.

Sitting at the red light under the highway bridge. It was 2:34 AM, but I didn't care. This had become normal for me lately. I was going home from his house. Nobody could know because they would tell me how naive I was or how I was wasting my time.

The music escaping the car stereo soothed my nervous stomach. It was the only CD I had with me, so I was glad that it had some of my current favorite songs. As I was stopped under that bridge, I looked beyond into the summer night sky. It was rare to see the stars in our suburban area, but I could see them faintly gathered in the darkness. And I wondered what I was doing with my life.

The light finally changed to green, and I drove away, back to the safety of my home.

It's amazing how certain songs can trigger memories, almost as well as smell. Songs can bring back the pictures that are buried in our minds, and bring with it the old feelings we had at that time.



It's crazy.


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Thursday, December 18, 2014

What is this Blog About Anyway?

This is really the blog of a girl who's learning how to grow up in a world of shattered dreams.

If you thought this was going to be a blog dedicated to helping others.... I'm sorry. I'm a selfish person. I need to write to help myself. But perhaps you might feel the same feelings I do. And maybe my writing might give you an idea. This is my excuse.

The world has become something we cannot believe in anymore. You don't see working marriages lasting a lifetime. You don't see honesty in others. All we see is people trying to desperately survive. Survive another day. And for what?

Stuck in the rat race. Working many years at many jobs we hate. Slipping away into the corporate ladder and suppressing our dreams for the hope of something secure. Tempted by the worlds' offers of better sex, better drugs, better ways to forget our pain. A lifetime of regrets, never knowing what could have been, what we should have done instead, and how we could have possibly resisted the dangers of trying to make our lives "interesting."

Always wishing we could be alone on our own private island. So much that as we sit at in our cubicles, we lean back, just for a moment, and close our eyes. And for those few seconds, we are stress-free, laying on a beach, without a care in the world.  But then reality hits, and we straighten our backs and return to the mundane.

Financially, it drains us. It seems the more we work, the less money we have. We can't go back to school because we make just enough to be too much, yet just less enough to be a few paycheck do away from broke. We're stuck doing jobs we hate, stuck staying in areas we cannot relate to at all. We begin to accept this.

How does a girl who's been sheltered from such things survive? How does she make sense of all of this? The world is a cruel place, ready to tear her apart. 

She writes. Maybe not the whole story but just enough to let her emotions free. Bottled up and scared, she writes and everything feels better. 

Writing can change her. She doesn't need to ask anyone how to survive in this painful world because she knows that deep down, she has it all inside her. It's just waiting to come pouring out on the pages. Her parents morals, her generation's behavior, her experience's consequences all meet together and try to help her understand this life. 

It's not perfect, but she understand that perfection is never attainable. It's all up to her to discover what she has to offer. What she will do with this life. How she will not only survive, but also thrive in this broken world.


Living the Stress Life

Sometimes being human is something so confusing. We contradict ourselves, we do things when we know there are risks involved. We hurt even though we know it won't help us heal. When I was younger I had a perfect picture of how my adult life should be. But now I realize it's a lot harder to live the dream. Good things never come easy.

The system punishes you for being good. If you live the way you're "supposed" to, you are left without reward. I didn't realize it until now. It's so hard to not go into the wrong directions today. 

What do I really want?

I want to travel. I want my husband to love his job. I want my brother to be able to afford school. I want my parents to live comfortable, stress-free lives. I want to learn something new everyday. I want to be appreciated by others. I want life to mean something!

Originally I decided to start writing again for other people. But I see now that I need to write; it's my therapy. It's the way I escape. It's the one thing that I can control in my life.

Yes, today was a terrible day. One of those days that makes you wonder why you're doing what you're doing anymore. Makes you wonder why you even try to be a good person. Makes you wonder if you could have had a different path.

They say if you're stressed, these circles will be spinning. The faster they spin, the more stressed out you are.



Well right now they're moving pretty fast. And the only way I know how to stop the stress is to write. 

And I will always write.

Because I am a writer.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Story Behind Airports



I have to be honest. Whenever we go to pick up my younger brother from the airport, these are the only times I ever set foot in an airport lately. It's sad, but the last time I flew was when I came back from Thailand in 2011.




Being here always reminds me of several things. It reminds me to be aware of the people around me, because this is the place where we say final goodbyes as well as the place where we meet and begin a new life. Airports are the symbol of freedom, the freedom to escape, to wander, to discover new places in the world.



But the airport is also a reminder of the life I should be living. I'm a traveler at heart, and I never want to stay in one place. But I'm also 23 years old, late bloomer in my maturity level, and still confused as hell about who  I am and where I'm going. I really only know for sure that I will keep writing. Everything else could change in a moments time, and being reminded of that sense of being out of control scares me.



It's that feeling of emptiness... The feeling of the unknown. You think things are going well until you're reminded of all you could be doing. You begin to compare your life with others, and instead of inspiring you, it brings you down. It creates a hunger for the life you want to live, but at the same time it creates a wall, a barrier, because you begin to believe you will never be able to change. Anyone who goes through this enough times will eventually accept their current situation as their eternal reality, and I'm scared it will happen to me as well.



You have to remind yourself daily that if you aren't where you want to be in life, this is only temporary. You can still change. You need to keep your mind open to visualization. Don't close all the doors and force yourself into a life of half assed attempts to distract yourself from the reality that you've created; accept the hurt you have, remind yourself you are still changing, and start again.



I say these things, but I know it is so hard for us adults to realize. We tend to believe that once we've settled down, this is the life we will have for the rest of our life. I'm only 23, but I know from being married, we've somewhat trapped ourselves in one geographical area, and for me as a wanderer, it takes a toll on my spirit. The security of where we are now is so comforting that I'm trapped between the lust and longing for adventure and the basic need of security. So many people do this to themselves. And it begins with avoiding the painful emotions we need in order to change and slipping into a silent death of the routine. 



And so, the dream begins to die a slow and agonizing death, screaming to us without a voice, silently falling away from us, until upon our deathbed, we realize the regrets we have we can never undo.



So maybe sometimes it's good to feel uncomfortable about where you are in life. And it's moments like these when I sit in the terminal waiting for my brother that I am overcome with the echos of  these feelings. And I remember that I need to push on and not fall under the sleep spell of a mediocre life. I, too, can go to the airport to get on a plane. And when that day comes, it will be the happiest feeling in the world.



#OOTD:
Jacket - Calvin Klein 
Scarf - Calvin Klein
Bag - Calvin Klein
Jeans - Forever21
Shoes - Forever21




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Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Lost in the Waves of Life

Sometimes I realize what I'm doing and finally stop and think "what the hell am I doing?" Today I realized I'm not taking care of myself the way I should be.

Since I've started my new job, I've been letting myself go in regards to the way I eat. I've been skipping meals, eating crap, and binge eating and starving. It's not something I've consciously done to myself; I think the pressures of the new job and trying to get used to the new schedule has taken its toll on my eating habits. I also have significantly lowered the amount of times I cook throughout the week, which has made me lose interest in health foods.

As a result, I have gained fat in areas that I had toned over the summer, and I've been running on coffee like its a fuel, which is not healthy.

I've been a bit mentally unstable too because of stopping my meditation routine since I've switched jobs. I've forgotten my dreams, scattered my thoughts, and ran away from reality. It's tough being an adult. Sometimes you just want to run away from it all. And consequently end up making your life more full of drama and problems you didn't have before.

I think I need to make a conscious effort to overcome these weaknesses and pull my health back together. It's almost as if I've forgotten to love myself, in amidst all of the waves of life that have come crashing down on me in the past few months.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

I Have No Idea What to do With My Hair


I have a hair dilemma. There are literally so many things I can do with my hair now that it's long. But here are my current debates:

1. My husband doesn't like my bangs, but I love them. Right now I'm debating growing them out and they are in that awkward in-between stage of being long but not side swept yet. So I don't know what to do with my bangs.

2. Last spring I dyed my hair lighter and then in the end of the summer I dyed it red. Some of the colors faded, and now I have multi-colored hair. The roots are my natural chocolate brown, the middle is red, and the ends of my hair are super light brown. I want to dye it all one color, and the easiest way to get an even dye would be to dye it black or dark brown, but my husband says I can't dye it any other color than blonde, which I would never do. Blonde would be so hard to maintain. But I hate how my hair is so many different colors!!

3. I don't know how to wear my hair. I cannot French braid. I can only do an inside out French braid. I've tried so many times and it's all I can do. My hair doesn't curl well and a ponytail can create headaches. I can't wear pigtails at work, and usually I end up changing my hair style 3 times during a normal work day.

I guess most of my problems have to do with clashing opinions.... But if I could have it my way, I want my hair to look like this:


But to be honest, I would actually like to look exactly like her if I could choose.  She's hapa perfection. <3


Ah so pretty!

........

In any case, I don't know what to do with my hair. 

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Friday, December 5, 2014

Rage

Reading articles like this just make me annoyed because it's obvious that some people have a very warped perception.

http://www.dailydot.com/opinion/clueless-things-white-people-say-racism/

At first I thought it was a joke. But nope, someone actually wrote this in a serious tone.

Now I am not a black person or Hispanic person, or even have darker skin for that matter. But honestly, many different races have light skin, just as white as any "white" person.

Yes, I am half white. But I am also half Asian. And that does count for something. I barely even consider myself a typical "white" American. I like Asian fashion, I eat mostly asian food, I married an Asian, and I have more of an Asian personality. Now, that being said, I don't care if I sound racist. I am mixed race. And I am a little bit racist against every race for different reasons. Heck, everyone is a little bit racist (like that stupid song!) even if they don't want to admit it.

The first thing that bothers me about this article  is that it lumps all white people together. What the hell. Maybe they all look the same to some people, I'm pretty sure British, Norwegian, Italian, or even the f*cking Ainu don't want to be lumped together. They are all different countries! And Americans, Canadians and Austrailians are mixed of many races, so it's hard to tell what origin country people come from. Even though I'm American, I'm sure a French person would not want to be mistaken for an American. So stop lumping them all together! Don't say "but the white people do that too!" No, those are the uneducated white people. 

Second point that ticked me off: whites are NOT the only racist people. Asians can be extremely judgmental. At least most educated white people agree that there is beauty found in many skin colors. Different skin types are mostly accepted in the countries that have become more diverse. But in most places in Asia - I hate to break it to you - you cannot really be considered pretty or good looking if you have dark skin. They look down on the darker skinner Asians as well, because at one time, being dark meant you had to work out in the sun like a dog. Even today, having light skin like a porcelain doll is the ideal. It's supposed to show perfection because you don't have to tan yourself to hide your skin imperfections. I've heard some extremely racist comments from Asias regarding blacks, other dark skinned Asian, Indians and other dark skinned races. So, if you have dark skin, you might think you have it tough in the US; try living in Asia. You'll stand out like you never thought possible.

The next point that bothers me is the whole benefits for "colored" people thing. Yeah, I benefitted from it in college and when in job interviews, but it's just so insulting for non white people if you really think about it. Why are the entrance exams easier or harder depending on your race? What the hell does that have to do with a persons intelligence? What the f*ck does it have to do with anything? 

It reminds me of that theory with welfare for the poor. There are times when I could have taken welfare. But I hate the system. It's not fair for those who earn more money. I can call myself unbiased because I do not presently earn boat loads of money, but yet I feel disturbed for the fact that they have to give up almost half of their income to taxes. Good for the people who have found the business loopholes. It's called being smart.

I could go on about this, but I'm sure it's obvious that I am not a liberal. I believe race has nothing to do with character. However, culture tends to shape who we are. For example, I've seen an Asisn girl who was adopted by a white family grow up whiter than most preppy white girls. Had she grown up with an Asian family, I'm sure her character would have turned out completely different, especially if living in Asia. 

Don't deny it. You categorize others by the way they look as well. There are many other factors, but when we don't know a person, we judge them by their looks. Not just white people.









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Thursday, December 4, 2014

The Ghost of Summer

The summer has been haunting me lately. While I'm waking up and scraping ice off my car, I'm thinking of the warm air hitting my skin. When I'm bundling myself in two or three layer of clothing and tying up my boots, I'm wishing I were wearing a flowing summer dress with flats. As I turn on my space heater and pile blankets on top of my bed, I think about how nice it would feel to just have a light sheet caressing my skin.

I don't know how other people deal with this. I absolutely hate this weather. I hate being cold. I hate winter fashion. The less clothes I'm wearing, the better! I like simplicity. The layers are ridiculous. Think about it: when you go outside in winter, you have to wear earmuffs, a hat, a long sleeved shirt under a coat, jeans, thick socks, boots, a scarf, gloves, and sometimes leg warmers. In summer I can leave the house wearing a short sleeved dress and flats or sandals. Ugh! I need to move!

The snow is another thing. It's pretty.... For about five minutes. Then you realize that it's literally going to rule your life until spring comes. Can go out because of the snow? Darn. Have to drive slow and brush off the snow and ice from your windshield? Better add fifteen minutes to your morning commute! Can't wear flats or heels in the snow. Can't make it melt when it starts looking gross in the piles in the parking lot. And last year I got caught in an unexpected snowstorm one morning and had to dig my car out of two feet of snow with a wok. Yes, a wok, because I hadn't had the time to buy a shovel. 

So for #tbt here's my memory:


Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Maybe I'm not that Hungry

I've watched as the media put out the "curvy is better" after people attacked thin models for being unrealistic. And now there's a backlash of thin women who feel attacked by songs like "All About That Bass." 

And I know bigger women still also get attacked on places like 9gag and YouTube. But to be honest, I don't know why women compare themselves against people who look nothing like the range of their body.

I know I should say something like "I don't know why women compare themselves to other women" at all, but really! We're never going to stop being catty and competitive. 

With that being said, I don't know why I get criticized for going on a diet or occasionally mentioning that I think I'm getting out of shape for my body frame. I'm sorry that you think I'm not chubby for my body frame, but when I feel that muffin top coming and I have the power to prevent it, why shouldn't I?

It really depends where you live as well: when I was in Asia, I was always concerned about getting chubby because everyone was so thin there.  And it's not unrealistic for me to be healthy at 95 lbs because my height is 5'1". Right now I'm at 110 lbs and I feel that anything over that weight is not something I would be comfortable with because I know for sure that I can be 95 lbs! It's not out of my range.

I don't really know what my point is other than.... Stop asking me to eat more just because I'm your standard of skinny! Maybe I'm not hungry. Guys at work do this to me all this time. And girls at my last job used to ask me things like that too. It's annoying.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

I Hate it When...

... I write five long paragraphs and Blogger deletes them. Wth. I was working on my story on my writing blog and went to change the song and Blogger deleted all of the work I did.

To be honest, I've been a bit depressed lately. I keep thinking of Thailand and how we promised to come back someday. I miss it as much as I miss the West, and that says a lot, because I lived in the West for seven years and I was only in Thailand for three months.

Maybe it's not just missing Thailand... I miss traveling and looking forward to things. Perhaps I've fallen in the winter depression. Whenever a sunny day appears, my mood seems to change drastically. My husband keeps saying I'm grumpy and sad lately. I don't know why, but under all of my everyday thoughts and moods, I think I'm secretly depressed. Bored, feeling trapped and needing to change my environment. I need something to happen. 

It's really my own fault anyway. I've trapped myself in this horrible state that always has horrible weather. You might think that one can always make use of their environment, but weather really does make a difference in the way you look at your life. If everyday you wake up to the "refrigerator sky" (grey sky and cold), of course you're going to be less and less cheerful than the person who wakes up under clear sunny skies every morning. 

I don't know what it is exactly. Is it growing up that sucks? Is it because I've gotten into a routine and its against my personality? Is it because I honestly feel like I have bad luck? Is it the weather? Is it genetic (I know it runs in my dads side of the family)? Maybe I've just become a bitter person who hates everyone and everything.

All I know is.... I hope it passes and I find myself again. The girl who finds the light in every dark situation.


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