n i c o c . o

* n i c o c . o: October 2014

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Your Own Story

I thought about writing something that would be more organized and sectioned, but this  post grew out of inspiration instead.


Nobody can tell you that you didn't do the job right if you've put everything you have into what you are doing and it's something that you are satisfied with doing. Nobody can take that away from you.


Anyone who cannot appreciate the work that you've done and the results you have created does not understand. When you've found the one thing that you would die for, the thing you believe, and you would work everyday for, it can't be easily broken.


Be happy that you gave found what makes you breathe everyday. Be grateful that you've found the one thing that makes you feel alive. There are many out there would just can't understand because they either have not found what makes them satisfied, or they find joy in taking it away from others.


It's something that should be celebrated; not torn apart by politics. It's something that you will do leave your legacy. 


I hate what is happening to this country.  I hate it when the leader has to explain that business owners did not build their businesses themselves. It's such a huge insult to anyone who has either built a business, attempted to build a business, or watched closely as others they knew built their businesses.


I'm still working on my own story. However, I have seen many of my friends build their fortune from nothing. 


You may think they are lucky. They may seem composed. They may make it look easy. But let me tell you, I've heard and seen the middle and the behind the scenes part of it. These people are willing to risk everything for something they believe. They are willing to work twice as hard, sometimes ten times as hard. They don't go on vacations. They don't take breaks. They sit down their children and explain that for a few months or years they will be extremely busy. 


They live homeless. They take odd jobs that they are way overqualified. They don't sleep. They believe in sacrifice for the freedom of life. 


He said that everyone works hard. This is true. But not everyone can be the strong single mother who gets up before her children to make their lunches while doing a three way call. She sends them off to school and drives to work while on another call. During her day job, she uses her lunch to meet someone who may invest in her business. She picks up the kids, cooks dinner, works more on her business while the kids play in the living room. After they go to bed, she continues to work diligently until past midnight because she believes that her future is bright. She knows that her day job will never give her the freedom to enjoy the short time she has with her children. She knows in her heart her day job will never provide the sense of satisfaction as owning her own business. And most of all, it will never give her something to leave to her kids.


Nobody notices this as its happening. But when she is rich and she is a stay at home mother who can afford anything that she and her children need, that is when she is noticed. Some will find her an inspiration. Because they can understand what she went through, usually because they are going through it too. But then there are people who will just say she is lucky. They will call her children spoiled. It's because they don't know. If they knew all of the times the children had been turned away from their mother for her to work, maybe they would understand. Those children will never look at life the same way. They will know what it means to really be living. Taking risks, sacrificing and willing to delay the gratification of playing now for a lifetime of freedom.

It's true that she had help from her mentor as she built her business. It's true she drove on the roads during the time she was building her business. It's true that many where there to help in times of need. 

But nobody helped her when she was a young mother taking care of two sick children in the middle of the night while on a conference call. Nobody but herself motivated her when she was turned away by many people when presenting her business plan. She never gave up when everyone said it wouldn't work. She was always the one to cheer herself on when others told her that she should just focus on getting a better job and putting the kids in a daycare. She was her biggest help with building her business.


I feel for the people who are doing it and for those who have done it. Be happy because you know better that anyone else that what you are doing is right. Don't let any one take that away from you.


#OOTD:

Top - Chinese lingerie shop
Cardigan - Forever21
Jeans - Forever21
Shoes - Report
Jacket - Esprit
Clutch - Coach


「There’s not time for fate there’s just us And all that we create turns to dust 
So what you gonna leave behind 
Show me what you keep locked inside You got to free your mind 
Free your mind 

There’s no better place here and now 
We can lose our way and still be found So what you gonna leave behind 
Show me what you keep locked inside You got to free your mind」

If you're building your dream, always trust yourself.

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Saturday, October 18, 2014

Autumn Adventures


Although I absolutely hate the fall season, I do have to admit that it's usually during this time when the biggest changes within myself tend to happen. 


I tend to think more seriously about life, and I think that's why I hate it. I think about how I'm getting older and what I should have done this past year. 


This past year, I think my greatest accomplishment was finding more of myself. Sometimes when we get stuck in a routine of trying to please others, we forget who we are and what we as individuals want for ourselves. 


I think that's crucial to know what you want, because without truly knowing what you want, you will never find satisfaction. You will never change yourself for the better, down the path where you are truly satisfied.


You can't pretend to be someone you are not. You will eventually get tired. Your heart will feel heavy, and you will wonder why you cannot find the results you were looking for in the first place. 


How do you find yourself? I think for me it started with being quiet and listening. If you can find what you are good at and play up your strengths over your biggest weaknesses, you will find your true joys in life, and find what makes you YOU.


Famous Michelin Star chef, Marco Pierre White once said it best: "People look up to others who are being themselves and doing something." If you are being the best you that you can be and you are doing something you are satisfied with, who wouldn't like you? You will be happy, your aura will spread, and you'll be doing something you find worthwhile.


What could you do everyday without getting weary?


For me, it's improving my fashion, my writing, and making myself stand out. I feel alive when I write. I feel good about myself when I dress up. And I like to be noticed now, when before I would have done anything to not be noticed by anyone.


I know I haven't found everything about myself. But I think that's the fun part: embarking on the journey of YOU. Finding out your talents and strengths through all of the chaos of life.


There is only one you....


... So take advantage of that and be the best you you can be.


Autumn is really the prettiest season in my area though.  Maybe I think too much. 


All photo credits go to my younger sister, Abby. One of her passions is photography, and she's obviously good at it!


#OOTD:

Jacket: Calvin Klein 
Hat: Calvin Klein 
Scarf: Plato's Closet
Jeans: Forever21
Boots: Predictions
Clutch: Coach


Going to Gettysburg was fun but very windy! 


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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Dark Secret

You might think of me differently after reading this.

There is one thing that I've struggled with my entire life. It was a quiet disease that overtook my mind slowly. I always thought I had control over it until I realized it wasn't a habit anymore; it was a mental disorder.

It comes up several times a day. It determines what people who meet me think of me. It sometimes defines who I am even when I despise it. 

What is it, you wonder?


THIS. This ugly shit. My poor fingers. They suffer my wolf biting everyday. So much so that the skin has become red around my nails permanently. 

It's scientifically called dermatophagia, or the obsessive compulsive disorder of biting the skin around the nails.

It starts out as a nervous habit, but then spirals into a horrible self harm that comes subconsciously. I never see myself doing it until I'm already biting the skin.

You want to know the freakiest part about this disorder?

It hurts, yes, but the feeling of ripping the skin and making it even and smooth with the rest of the finger is so satisfying. 

Sometimes on really bad days, I bite until I bleed. The pictures here are a few hours after I bit until I bled. I know, it sounds terrible, but it's true. 

When I'm not biting my skin, sometimes I bite my inner lip until it bleeds. 

It's not even a habit. I looked it up... It's an actual mental disorder. The problem to be solved is in my mind.


It's devastating, especially if you're a woman, like I am. I want pretty nails and pretty fingers like other girls, but this  disease consumes me. 

I thought it would be easy to stop. But whenever I find myself in a stressful situation, my fingers are simultaneously ruined, before I can notice what I'm doing to myself.

It's a secret I've tried to hide for years. I'm sure people knew to an extent, but today I'm putting it out there because I'm going to try to quit again.

I can't let this take over.

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Quick Update

I've been pretty busy lately. Maybe not as productive as I should be, but definitely busy.



This past weekend I traveled to Washington DC to visit my best friend.


I love being with her because she's one of the only people who I can completely be myself around. We went to a fancy Mexican restaurant called Oyamel. I did have pictures of the food, but on my husband's phone. It was nice to come down to DC and have a relaxing time with her and her family.

Then on Sunday, although we aren't Canadian, we celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving.


My husband cooked the turkey, stuffing, potatoes and gravy all by himself. It took all day, but it was completely worth the work.

Then after dinner, we celebrated my mom's birthday with a bunt cake.


Other than that, I've been spending a lot of time with my cat, Nami.


We even took a selfie together. 


I recently made a pact with myself to wear more daring clothing and more accents in my outfits, so I'll be posting a fashion ootd post soon. I was also thinking of making a post about growing hair long.



The funny thing is that people randomly compliment me about my long hair. Even when I haven't brushed it, it's just down in no special fashion. Everyone always asks how I get it so long, so I'm pretty sure I could do a post on that.



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Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Trying to Enjoy

...the cold weather. Today I was at Burlington Coat Factory, and I picked up the cutest hat.


I had to wear pigtails to make it look balanced. Scarf I had bought last year from Burlington. Both the scarf and hat are Calvin Klein. My favorite company is probably Calvin Klein. My current bag is also CK.

While I can no longer wear summery dresses and sandals, at least I can wear scarves and hats. And drink warm drinks more often.


Speaking of warm drinks, my favorite tea lately is Numi Organics. I yet again bought their sampler pack, mostly because I love all of the teas. Today I'm drinking rooibos tea while fixing up my husbands Removing Conditions immigration package. Sigh.



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Bottled Up

One of the biggest challenges for me growing up was expressing my true feelings through spoken words. I am not sure if it was because I was shy, or if I really had nothing to say since I was always listening, but I do know that others were not always okay with my silence.

When I was in grade school, other students would try to make me talk more, and always asked why I was so quiet, to which I would reply with a small shrug. Some people found me to be aloof, rude even. But honestly, I had so much going on in my head, there weren't words to express myself. Here is what I felt like at school for the first 8 years of schooling:


Out of place, my head was always in the clouds, off in my own world. Memories blurring with my imagination, I sometimes didn't want to say what's on my mind, for the fear of losing my own world. The only person I told was my younger brother.

Even though I believe I was lost in my head more than others would normally be, I will say that I believe everyone was the capacity for the depth of losing themselves in their imaginations. And I think that even people who think they are "normal" and "boring" also have the ability to experience the same feelings. I just think that it is people like myself and other writers, artists, musicians, chefs, and all who create who give them the experience rather than them finding it themselves. We guide them. 

The problem is finding our voice. I understand because I know sometimes it's hard to describe, to want to share, to get over the fear of being criticized.


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Saturday, October 4, 2014

Parenthood

Many people frequently ask me when I will have children. I hate it because I know deep in my heart that at this moment in my life I could never give my child what he or she deserves.

They say the first child is an experiment because the new parents are scrambling to figure out how to care for the little human being. I think my parents did s great job with me, despite that I was their first child, unplanned at that. In fact, I am constantly reminded in my adult life of how they cared, loved, and prepared me.

They always encouraged me to find my own path. They were never impatient when I made mistakes. And most of all, they understood that the reason I was a quiet child had nothing to do with something being wrong with me, as my teachers insisted; I was simply listening and thinking and expressing myself through other mediums rather than my physical voice.

When I think about all they have done for me, I wonder if I'm selfless enough to do the same. Am I experienced enough to understand what my child will want? Am I loving enough to support the child in every way? I honestly do not think I deserve to be a parent at this stage in my life. I am not mentally, emotionally or financially ready to have children. 

Because I love my unborn child, I am waiting. Waiting until I find myself. Until I can become the mother that will be selfless enough, caring and able to endure. 

So please stop asking me if I'm going to have children anytime soon. I am still a child myself. 

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Friday, October 3, 2014

Blue Skies

When the sky is too blue, the air too crisp, no clouds in the sky, sometimes it seems lonely.

I often wonder if I'm the only one who thinks this way. Sometimes it's scary to be alone. Alone in a beautiful day.

Especially in Autumn when the wind is cool and unforgiving.

Its a sadness I can't understand. Maybe I'm just hard to please.


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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Lost Memories

Today my younger brother asked me to read his blog post, which you should also read:

http://fallen-water.blogspot.com/2014/10/rediscovering-past.html

I have to say, I could feel the emotion in his words, and I could tell it was feelings and thoughts that had been saved for the moment he returned to Colorado.

I agree with everything he talks about in his post. Yet, it scares me to read. I was older during the time we lived in Colorado. I am sure I could remember more than he could. 

But when I racket my brain to find those memories, I feel like they are so embedded in me, the person I've become, and my way of thinking, that it's been blended away. The surroundings I currently inhabit are stronger than my memory. For ten years I've been away from Colorado. I know that the second I am there, everything would come back, flooding my emotions and thoughts. But the thought is always scary to think if I were to forget the specifics of my childhood in Colorado.

I know I'm not meant to stay where I am now. Colorado ruined it for me. After living in one of the most beautiful places in the world, I couldn't allow myself to settle for less. My brother was smart. He got out when he still had the chance. It's a hell of a lot harder for me to leave now.

It was a time when life was in full color. I think one of the reasons I was so disconnected with other people as a child was because I was observing the world in its fullest colors. Unbiased by others opinions, untainted by the pressures of growing up, my childhood was spent carefree in the open meadows, mountains, and alluring forests of the West. 

When we moved, I lost that world. I forced myself inward. The material I had been soaking up came out in my creativity. And I believe this is where my love for expressing myself through writing began.

I will never regret moving because it forced me to begin my journey of how to connect with other human beings. I am much more confident in my ability to relate to other people because of all of the experiences that I have gained. And through it all, my heart has always remained in the West. One day I'll meet the other half and pull the pieces together.

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