You might think of me differently after reading this.
There is one thing that I've struggled with my entire life. It was a quiet disease that overtook my mind slowly. I always thought I had control over it until I realized it wasn't a habit anymore; it was a mental disorder.
It comes up several times a day. It determines what people who meet me think of me. It sometimes defines who I am even when I despise it.
What is it, you wonder?
THIS. This ugly shit. My poor fingers. They suffer my wolf biting everyday. So much so that the skin has become red around my nails permanently.
It's scientifically called dermatophagia, or the obsessive compulsive disorder of biting the skin around the nails.
It starts out as a nervous habit, but then spirals into a horrible self harm that comes subconsciously. I never see myself doing it until I'm already biting the skin.
You want to know the freakiest part about this disorder?
It hurts, yes, but the feeling of ripping the skin and making it even and smooth with the rest of the finger is so satisfying.
Sometimes on really bad days, I bite until I bleed. The pictures here are a few hours after I bit until I bled. I know, it sounds terrible, but it's true.
When I'm not biting my skin, sometimes I bite my inner lip until it bleeds.
It's not even a habit. I looked it up... It's an actual mental disorder. The problem to be solved is in my mind.
It's devastating, especially if you're a woman, like I am. I want pretty nails and pretty fingers like other girls, but this disease consumes me.
I thought it would be easy to stop. But whenever I find myself in a stressful situation, my fingers are simultaneously ruined, before I can notice what I'm doing to myself.
It's a secret I've tried to hide for years. I'm sure people knew to an extent, but today I'm putting it out there because I'm going to try to quit again.
I can't let this take over.
Labels: dermatophagia, mental disorder, nail biting, ocd, wolf biter